when in a better place, forgive.

We've been hurt or treated badly by another person at some time or another. And sometimes it takes a while before we can get over it. 

I don't normally like to revisit the past esp. if it travels me back to the not so good memories. But sometimes I can't avoid it when something suddenly comes up and reminds me of that past. Like a couple of days ago I heard something about this person who made my last day in my office quite disturbing. Of course, that time I chose the high road because hey, I was supposed to cherish my last day in the company which served as my 2nd home for 13 years, right? Why dampen the beautiful day with so much negativity? Well, thank God, it turned out to be one of the most memorable moments of my entire life. 

For those who made me really happy thank you for being my rainbow on that day. You know who you are. One day I can make up to you.

Anyway why am I talking about this lady?  Because I heard that she and her husband are both jobless now and that they have three kids to feed and take care of. How do they survive? Well, I am not privy with what exactly is going on in their lives and usually whenever I hear something about the life of the people I left behind in Ilijan they are just bits and pieces of information. Vague as it may be, but the news tempted me to think that if their life now is miserable then it absolutely serves her right. 
I was bad. 
I know. I am just human. I can't deny that until now I still quench for that chance when I can tell on her face  that it was her "karma".I must admit that up to this day I haven't forgotten what she had done to me because obviously I  was rejoicing on the news of her sufferings. 
I sat for awhile because at that moment I could already feel those huge chunks of evil thoughts eating me up inside. 

So before I turned into a complete monster, I immediately tried to process my feelings by identifying  where I was coming from and why I was being so mean in my thoughts. Yes she had wronged me. But then, I asked myself this question "How many people have wronged me in the past?" and "How are they now?" And then I went deeper by asking myself further, "Haven't I hurt other people too?".  The last question was an awakening. It was at that point where gratitude resurfaced in my consciousness. Sometimes, when we people are so corroded with hate and vengeance we tend to focus more on our hurt, on our pains. We forget our own shortcomings, our own evil deeds. We fail to see the many good things we have been blessed with despite being imperfect and undeserved. 

Yes, I must admit that until now I haven't forgiven and definitely I haven't forgotten. Forgiveness doesn't happen in an instant. It requires time and a lot of energy. But I am aware too that I should not allow the pain to linger for too long in  my life, otherwise I will be trapped in this cycle of hurt forever. If I was able to let go of the emotions I felt towards other people who wronged me in the past then this lady should not be an exception. If other people had forgiven me when I wronged them shouldn't it be right for me to do the same?

I am definitely in a better place now in my life so I should be able to begin letting go. Forgiveness may not be now because I can still feel every fiber of my being resisting, but I know I can control myself acting on my anger.  But I cannot stay hating for a long time. Somehow I should be able to put an end to it. Somehow I should learn to decide to stop hating. 

Let me finish my blog with a beautiful quotation that I came across in the internet.

When it happens I often ask myself "What strengths must I develop further from this?" Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn't focusing on the person who wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me.  - Natassia Callista Alicia

Namaste.